Here, please take my life savings

My daughter Elissa is a senior in high school. That means we have been in full-bore College Search Mode for the past several months. This being the first time I've gone through it, I've learned three things from the experience:

(1) It doesn't take long to get past the "sticker shock" of college, so nothing phases me anymore when I see how much it costs. I haven't yet written a single check, but I'm already jaded by the insane numbers. That's not good.

(2) All college tours are the same. Seriously. They're all given by a female junior or senior student who will tell you that choosing to attend this particular university "was the best decision of my life" (You're 20 years old. How many great decisions could you have made by now?) You will see the same things on every tour: the library, the newly refurbished rec center (ALL rec centers are newly refurbished), a freshman dorm room, the science building, the cool statue at the center of campus, the quad, etc.

(3) As near as I can tell, all college students appear to be 15 years older than my daughter, but 50 years younger than me.

Being Daddy Breadwinner, it is point #1 that concerns me most. You've no doubt heard that college is a wee bit expensive nowadays. Maybe you have a college student or two in your family now. If so, you know that the easiest thing to do is simply to give the college or university that your child selects large piles of money on a regular basis and hope they're satisfied. No need to count it, just cart wheelbarrows of cash over to the financial office and give it to the first university employee you see.

That's my strategy, at least. The thing is, Elissa is smart. She's going to get scholarships. And being a single-income family, I know we're probably in line for some need-based aid, as well. But it won't be enough. It's NEVER enough, even at state schools.

The college financial aid people have come up with something called the Expected Family Contribution. This, as you might imagine, is the amount they think you can reasonably be expected to contribute to your child's education. It is derived using a complex formula that takes into account several relevant factors, yet still manages to yield a number at which you will laugh.

Really. You'll see your Expected Family Contribution and you'll literally LOL. Then you'll say to the grim-faced financial aid person, "No, seriously, what's my number?" They will repeat the same figure. You will again laugh. Then you will realize they are serious, and you will cry. This is how the game is played. Generations of parents have done it before you, and generations will do it after. Your job is just to roll with it.

Of course, Elissa will have to take on some hefty student loans and will also be involved in a work-study program, no doubt. But two of the schools to which she has applied -- the University of Dayton and the College of Wooster -- charge in excess of $40,000 a year for undergrads. Even one of her state schools (Miami of Ohio) is in the $20K range. And this is in no way considered excessive.

The private schools, I'm told, generally have a lot of financial aid they're willing to give out, which is good. But unless they're willing to cover somewhere around 99.5% of Elissa's college costs, there's going to have to be some belt-tightening around our house.

I realize there are lower-cost options, such as community college and some value-oriented four-year schools. And we may end up going that route. But the College Propaganda Industry is very good at making you believe that, should your child choose one of these discount schools, they will never get a good job and will live under a bridge for the rest of their lives. I'm just stupid enough to believe this.

And the thing is, I've got five kids to get through college. It's not like we can make some sacrifices for a few years and then be done with it once Elissa graduates. Jack is on target to get his undergrad degree in 2028 (twenty twenty-eight, as most of you would apparently call it). If there's one thing I learned at John Carroll University, it's how to subtract. And according to my calculations, we have 16 solid years of this to go through.

That makes my head hurt. It makes my soul hurt. But I figure if I manage to hold down three jobs and a paper route, it should all be OK.