Five reasons I would have a hard time being a woman

(1) You have to have nice handwriting: There are exceptions to this, of course, but they're relatively few and far between. Why is it that the vast majority of women have such nice handwriting? Do they work on it more in school? Is it genetic? My handwriting is terrible (or, as my buddy Chas Withers once put it, "your penmanship is atrocious"), so I'm jealous of anyone who writes neatly. Which means I'm jealous of roughly half the planet. That's not a good place to be.

(2) You're expected to wear funky shoes with unnatural heels: Who decreed that women are supposed to balance themselves on heels that are four inches high and a quarter-inch wide? I'm certain it was a man, and I'm certain he did it as a joke just to see how many women he could fool into actually trying it. Then, when the whole thing blew up and became a fashion trend, he was too embarrassed to admit he was kidding in the first place. I'll bet he laughs when he's on his way to the bank to cash another royalty check and sees a woman tottering down the street on one of his inventions.

(3) There are periodic biological occurrences that would annoy me to an amazing degree: You know what I'm talking about. Ugh.

(4) You don't make as much money: Not that I'm all about the dollars or anything, but it's hard to ignore the fact that, statistically, women don't make as much money as men. The figures vary from 77 cents on the dollar on the low end to as high as 91 cents if you control for various factors such as the fact that men tend to be over-represented in highly dangerous (and therefore higher-paying) jobs. If I was an ovary-bearing person, it wouldn't be so much about the money for me as it would be about the principle. I would get angry just thinking about it. Incidentally, there are those who would argue vehemently against the existence of this wage gap. I have heard their arguments and have yet to find any merit to them. But then again I'm no economist. And even if I was, I would make more money than female economists. Boys win! Boys win!

(5) The law says you cannot legally bash someone in the face with a hammer: There are jerks everywhere. And they represent both genders. But for whatever reason, women have to put up with a lot more from the male jerk population than vice-versa. Which I have to believe means I would be angry a lot of the time if I went through life as a woman. My instinct would be to hurt someone (I'm not proud of that, mind you), but for whatever reason, there is no provision in most local ordinance books for inflicting debilitating injury upon a deserving man-jerk. Ergo, my assumption is that women are in a constant state of checking themselves from committing first-degree felonies. That's gotta be tough...