I'm losing my ongoing battle with red lights

Let me start by saying I understand the value of traffic lights in our society. One of the first in the world was installed right here in Cleveland, and I get why we need them.

Let me also say how much I hate them.

Or, maybe more accurately, how much they hate me. Oh, don't give me the old "they're just inanimate objects that can't think or feel anything." I know the truth. I know they're out to get me.

Just ask my family.

One of the long-running jokes in our house is how I attract red lights. My son firmly believes there are sensors built into every intersection in our area, and that when they detect my car coming, they ensure I'll have to wait three full minutes before I'm allowed to pass.

This is silly, of course. It's rarely more than 2½ minutes.

Honestly, though, it's astounding how often I encounter red lights. At first I thought it was just me, but then years ago when I started driving my wife (then girlfriend) around, she noticed it right away.

"How come you hit every single light red?" she would ask. "How is that possible?"

I don't know, Terry, I don't know. It's just one of those things that...is. Like snow in winter and the Indians in last place in October, it just is. There's no point in questioning it.

Yet I do question it. Because it doesn't seem possible. I've long figured there must be some logical explanation I simply haven't been able to discern.

Do I drive at the exact speed at which I'm most likely to be caught by multiple lights in any given stretch of road? Do I just drive in areas that are more traffic light-intensive? Am I simply a victim of probability?

I can't tell you. What I do know, however, is that I want to be a traffic engineer. Because the ones we have programming our lights now are either mentally deficient or sadistic. Or both.

I say this because I am constantly − constantly − sitting stopped at lights with no cross traffic there to take advantage of the green light in the perpendicular direction. I just sit and watch an empty street in front of me for one, two, or yes, even three minutes at a time.

Has traffic light technology not progressed to the point that we can vary the frequency with which the lights change based on time of day, traffic patterns, etc.? Or is it already tied to other, more arbitrary factors, such as the orbit of Saturn or the value of the Belgian franc? It may as well be.

I understand that some lights are programmed to control traffic flow. But it seems the flow they're always trying to prevent is me flowing to my destination. What exactly did I do to deserve this?

If a given car trip takes a regular person, say, 15 minutes, it will take me 20. I always build in 5-10 minutes of ESLT (Extra Scott Light Time) because I know it will be coming.

And who do you talk to about this anyway? It's probably someone in our local government. When I find out the person's name, I'm going to get in my car and drive to City Hall to give them a piece of my mind.

The trip shouldn't take any more than, I would say, four hours. Five at the most.