What people in my family actually mean when they say certain things

When my kids say, "There's nothing to eat in the house," what they mean is...
"Of course I know there are things to eat in the house. But they all require actual time and effort to prepare, and I'm stunningly lazy. I need you to fix me something to eat immediately while I sit and stare off into space."

When my wife says, "You're so weird," what she means is...
"You're a fool. I knew this when I married you, of course, but I never really thought it would be this...bad. How do you even live day to day?"

When my son is getting yelled at for something and asks, "Why are you freaking out?" what he means is...
"I know what I did was wrong and that I'm clueless. But I'm going to try and save face here by turning the tables and making it seem like you're doing something wrong. This has never actually worked to date, but I'm going to keep on trying."

When my youngest child says, "I didn't do it" what he means is...
"Well, yeah, I did do it."

When my children are asked if they have homework and they say, "No," what they mean is...
"Yes. Yes, I do have homework. But I'm going to wait and do it tomorrow in homeroom instead of doing the smart thing, which would be to finish it now while I have time. Instead, I'm going to watch this episode of 'Pretty Little Liars' that I've already seen. That sounds like a pretty solid decision."

When my 19-year-old daughter is asked if she spent the money she's supposed to be saving to pay for college on concert tickets (again) and says, "Yep, I did," what she means is...
"Yep, I did." (Elissa doesn't beat around the bush. She pretty much tells it like it is.)

When my son is told he needs to get off the Xbox in 10 minutes because we're all going to watch a movie, and he says "OK, I will," what he means is...
"Nope, I won't. Amazingly, you keep believing me when I say I'll get off the Xbox at a certain time. Then, when I don't do it, you act like this is the first time it has ever happened. As long as there are no consequences to this action, as repeatedly appears to be the case, I'm going to keep on doing it."

When my wife says, "Someone needs to go pick up Chloe from track," what she means is...
"YOU need to go pick up Chloe from track."

When my wife says, "Someone needs to go to the store and get me some pizza sauce," what she means is...
"YOU need to go to the store and get me some pizza sauce."

When my wife says, "Someone should clean up the cat puke in the living room," what she means is...
"I could theoretically clean up the cat puke, but I know that if I keep saying it enough times, eventually you'll clean it up yourself because, for some strange reason, it makes you feel guilty. You're such a sucker!"