Business travel: Fun until you actually have to do it

If all goes well, I'll be jetting off to Boston later today for a three-day business trip.

Nice town, Boston. One of my favorites.

Not that it matters much, though, because I'll spend virtually my entire time there at a conference, gathering intelligence and forming key relationships on behalf of my employer.

Which of course is the snag in business travel, isn't it? The concept sounds nice, but it's not like you're going on vacation or anything.

The only business trip I ever took on which I had some true "tourist time" was when I went to China in 2005. That trip was 15 days, but I probably could have accomplished everything I set out to do in 8 to 10.

The extra time was for sightseeing and I took advantage of it. The Great Wall was a highlight, as were the outdoor markets of Shanghai.

But almost every other work-related trip I've ever taken has been business first and...well, business second, too.

Depending on the industry in which you work, a typical business trip looks something like this:

• 6 a.m. - Drive to airport
• 6:30 a.m. - Fail to find a parking spot
• 6:40 a.m. - Continue failing to find a parking spot
• 6:45 a.m. - Create an illegal parking spot and hope no one notices for the next several days while you're gone.
• 6:50 a.m. - Lug carry-on baggage into terminal and proceed to security checkpoint.
• 6:55 a.m. - Begin waiting in line for security check.
• 7:55 a.m. - Near end of security checkpoint wait time.
• 8:55 a.m. - Finish waiting in line for security checkpoint and begin dealing with crack TSA agents manning their posts.
• 9:00 a.m. - Receive dangerous dose of radiation from full-body scanner. Make mental note to find an oncologist.
• 9:05 a.m. - Clear security checkpoint and proceed to gate.
• 9:15 a.m. - Arrive at gate, sit down, begin reading book or newspaper while waiting to be called to board.
• Three days later - Board aircraft after minor mechanical delays and some kind of weather system in a completely different part of the country result in repeated cancellations of your flight.
• Many, many hours later - Arrive at your destination.
• Take cab to hotel. Note interesting sights along the way, because it's the last time you'll be outside for the duration of your stay in this particular city.
• Arrive at hotel, check in, go up to room, unpack.
• Order overpriced room service and hope company accountants don't mind that you just paid $37 for a hamburger.
• Go to sleep.
• Wake up (preferably the next day). If appropriately motivated, proceed to hotel fitness center and run a half hour on a treadmill while watching the Home Shopping Network because the remote is broken and you can't change the channel on the 15-inch TV mounted on the far wall.
• Return to room, shower, dress, and go to hotel restaurant for a plate of $23 scrambled eggs.
• Take cab to place of business, whether it's a convention center, office, or abandoned warehouse (again, depending on your line of work).
• Return to hotel 14 hours later. Repeat last several steps until your airline ticket says it's time to return home.
• Return home.
• Pay airport police to retrieve your car from the impound lot after it was towed for being parked illegally.
• Drive to your house.
• Vow to spouse that you're finished with business travel and refuse to take another trip.
• Go to the office the next day and find out you need to be in Spokane next Thursday.

With a few minor variations (for example, your actual scrambled eggs may be $24), this is a pretty universal rundown of the average business trip. If you see anything glamorous in there, please let me know.