5 ways you can tell it's summer in Northeast Ohio

(1) Acres of pasty white flesh. Everywhere.
My buddy Kenny Beavers, a wise man of African-American descent, once said, "The snow melts and white people think it's summer." Which is of course absolutely true. White people around this part of the country have been walking around in shorts since late March. But here we are three months later and there's no denying that summer is actually here. The direct result of this is that those same white people think it's perfectly fine to wear next to nothing when they're outside these days, regardless of their physical condition or the degree to which they do or do not tan when exposed to sunlight. If the sight of these people bothers you, then I can only apologize on behalf of my fellow Caucasians.

(2) Fourteen people per square foot in every public pool
Our Window of Summer Fun Opportunity is very small here on America's North Coast, which is why we try to cram in all the summer activities we can from mid-June until school starts up again in August. Your neighborhood pool is likely packed with people doing their best to have fun despite the fact that they are hemmed in on all sides by others trying to do the same (every third person of whom has most definitely peed in that pool sometime in the previous 20 minutes...just saying).

(3) Mandals
I don't know how I feel about man sandals. I don't think they look good on me because I have big calves. But guys with sleeker legs than mine can pull them off, I think. Not everyone agrees with me (case in point: my former Dix & Eaton colleague Lisa Zone ). And when I say sandals, I'm talking the strappy brown variety. I'm cool with the black athletic slider-type sandals that also come out of hiding this time of year.

(4) Cookouts and their associated smells
We don't own a charcoal grill, but I love the smell of charcoal because it just screams "June" to me. If you live in the suburbs, then you know how much people like us love their cookouts. "I can cook outside! On the deck! Without shoveling a path to the grill! Isn't this awesome?

(5) Cornhole
I hate to come back to the white people thing again, because I'm sure there are plenty of other ethnic groups who enjoy this game. But by and large, cornhole is the domain of white people. They even love making their own customized cornhole boards. Technically you could play cornhole in the fall or even the winter, but just...no. It's a summer game. Playing it any other time violates the spirit of Middle Class Person Summer, and I won't have it.