Why you shouldn't yell at referees or coaches when your child participates in sports

Actually, we all know we shouldn't do this. Yet a lot of us do it anyway. I sure have.

Let's say your kid is playing soccer, which is something I can personally relate to since all of my kids currently play or have played soccer. Soccer is thought of as a passive, non-contact sport, which is absolute nonsense once your child gets to be, say, 12 or 13 years old. Soccer from that point on becomes an aggressive, full-body contact game. Kids can and do get hurt. Regularly.

Anyway, let's say your kid's team is playing in a tournament against a local club team, and the opposing team's players are all head-and-shoulders bigger than your players. I can also relate to this because it just happened to me recently.

Melanie's soccer team played in the finals of a tournament against a group of girls who were all supposed to be 14 and under, but who looked to be juniors and seniors in high school. Clearly at least half of them drove themselves to the field for the game. (NOTE: I'm being facetious here. I'm sure they were all legal, but man, they were huge.)

This team used its size to great advantage, repeatedly bumping our girls off the ball, leading with their elbows, and generally doing things that technically are violations of the agreed-upon rules but that the referee in this case was letting go without calling fouls.

Many of our parents spent the game screaming at this ref, which I understand. But I wasn't one of them. It's not because I'm especially virtuous or anything, but mostly because:

(a) I spent years as a coach, and I know that screaming at an official gets you nowhere, in terms of helping your team. (Like I said, I've done it before. I'm certainly not without sin here.)

(b) I also officiated dozens of soccer games, and I'm here to tell you it's difficult. You have to find a balance between keeping the players safe and letting the competition flow naturally. That's not easy.

Look, I get why any parent wants to scream when they feel their kid is being wronged or threatened. Your natural instinct is to protect your child. Anything you can do to keep them safe, you do. I get it.

But unless you're 100% sure your kid is about to suffer a concussion or something, I suggest you keep quiet. Sooner or later that child is going to have to learn to work through seemingly unfair situations on their own. And I have just enough parenting experience to tell you that "sooner" is the better choice.

Life isn't fair. Never has been, never will be. You can choose to raise a child who accepts that and learns to adapt, or you can choose to raise one whose reaction to the inherent unfairness of his/her existence is to whine and complain.

Because that's what you're getting when you constantly berate an official and/or your child's coach. You're sending the message that the proper reaction is to yell, and that that's how mature adults handle tough situations.

Trust me, you don't want that.

If it's a case of your child seemingly not getting enough playing time or maybe not being set up for success by the coach, that's a legitimate concern. And it should be handled in a private conversation in which you express that concern and allow the coach to respond.

Unless your kid is playing for a high-level athletic organization, chances are that coach is an unpaid volunteer. He/she just wants to help. They do what they do in most cases because they love working with kids, and they love being around the sport.

That doesn't absolve them from the responsibility of doing what's best for every kid, but what your child learns from the experience largely comes down to how they see you react to it.

I am often afraid that my city – a place in which I take a great deal of pride – is starting to get branded as a home for yelling, screaming, whining, unreasonable parents when it comes to athletic competition. And I don't want that to happen. Not only because it reflects poorly on our town, but also because I know it's not helping our kids.

Like I said, I have the same urge to yell and complain sometimes. But there are better alternatives for all of us.

You're a parent. Act like one.