Five things I want to tell my son on this, the day of his high school graduation

Tonight my son Jared graduates, the third of our children to do so. Three down, two to go.

I will tell you I'm not pleased with the way this post turned out. I earnestly believe everything I'm trying to tell my son below, but none of it came out quite right.

Maybe that's because, while many life lessons are universal, the way we each learn and experience them is unique. So that even as I describe my own thoughts around a particular nugget of wisdom, I'm acutely aware that Jared's perspective on it is likely to be a bit different.

So I guess this list isn't perfect. No list of supposedly transcendent life lessons ever is. I hope the boy, and anyone else who happens to read this, accepts it in the flawed-yet-sincere spirit in which it is offered.

Jared, we bought you the laptop for graduation, and now here's the gift that comes without a receipt:

(1) You've got to try even when you don't feel like trying: Whatever you do, whether it's a job or a marriage or anything else important in your life, you have to be present and you have to be actively engaged. That means showing up and really trying. Every day. Sometimes that's going to be easy. Sometimes it won't be. You often hear it said of pitchers in baseball that they "just don't have it today," yet many times they stay in the game and "battle." They may not feel great, they may not feel motivated. But they have a job to do, and so they do it. Even when they don't feel like doing it. That's the essence of being a responsible adult: You show up and you work hard every time without exception.

(2) Feeling sorry for yourself is tempting, but it will get you nowhere: Sometimes you're going to feel like everything and everyone is against you. You just will. And you can safely allow yourself to feel that way for maybe 15 minutes. Then you need to move on. Seriously, you need to get over it and move on. Not everything is going to go your way. Not everyone is going to like or appreciate you. Oh well. There's not much you can do about that, so keep doing what you know is right. Keep showing up (see item #1 above), keep plugging away. It sounds simplistic, but it's the only way things are going to turn around. In essence, quit your crying and suck it up.

(3) Sports cliche #147 – "Worry only about the things you can control" – is real: You hear athletes talk about this all the time. They say they can't concern themselves with the things they can't influence. Instead, all of their focus is on the items over which they have specific control – their attitude, their preparation, their game plan. It's the same for those of us who don't get paid to play a sport. In your career, in your personal life, in everything you do, there is a long list of things over which you exert control. Concentrate on those things. Don't worry about other people's attitudes. Don't worry about external circumstances you can't change. Don't concern yourself so much with the unchangeable things that simply are. Direct your time and attention instead to what could be.

(4) Have a plan: Even if it only covers the next few years of your life, have a plan for what you want to achieve and how you're going to get there. Develop a vision for your life and what you want out of it. Otherwise your existence will be a series of randomly connected activities with no real end goal in mind. You'll get somewhere, to be sure, but probably not where you want to be. Just set aside some time every once in a while to think about the future, both short term and long. You'll be glad you did.

(5) Be grateful: You have so much in your life. You have a family who loves you more than you can understand (though you will understand if and when you have kids of your own). You have a roof over your head, a car to drive, food to eat. Lots and lots and lots of people in this world lack one or more of those things. You were born with a silver spoon in your mouth whether or not you recognize it. If you spend your time lamenting the things you don't have, you will be one unhappy individual. I'm telling you, you don't want to be that guy.

 Happy graduation day, buddy. Enjoy every minute of it, because you've earned it.

You're only as happy as you want to be, and I'll admit I hate that

There's a quote you've probably heard, usually falsely attributed to Abraham Lincoln, that says "most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Whoever originally said it, boy, there's a whole bucketful of truth to that, isn't there?

Yes, there are external forces in your life, things beyond your control, that affect you. Those things have always been there, and they always will be there.

What many a life coach will tell you, though, is that you can control how they affect you. If you choose to let them affect you negatively, they will affect you negatively. And if you choose to just roll with it, take the punch, and move on in a more or less positive manner, they will probably affect you positively in the long run.

And man, I hate that.

I want to be able to point to this, this, this and this, and say, "I would love to be happy, but look at all of these things that are wrong in my life. I can't be happy as long as all of that is going on."

But I can't do that with a clear conscience because I have finally learned, in 47+ years on this planet, that you absolutely choose your outlook. Happy people are happy because they choose to be happy.

Which is fine, except it takes real work to be happy. And that's where the inherently lazy part of me that doesn't particularly like trying hard at anything rebels.

Happy people are happy not only because they choose to be happy, but also because they choose to work at being happy. Every day.

You don't have to be a Pollyanna and ignore all of the ugly things in life. By all means, acknowledge them. Deal with them. They're there whether you and I like it or not.

But you do have to make the active choice to be mostly contented with your existence. You cannot be someone who constantly laments their lot in life and be a generally happy person at the same time.

Feel sorry for yourself if you want, but it's a miserable friggin' way to live, let me tell you.

Because here's the thing: Unless you believe in reincarnation (which I do not), then you must acknowledge that you get one shot at life. One shot, that's it. How you choose to use that shot is entirely up to you.

If you choose always to wait for things to get better someday and then you'll be happy, you won't be happy.

You won't. There's no maybe about it. You won't be happy. Why? Because you have full control over what "things getting better" means to you. And maybe it's time for you to reconsider your personal definition.

It cannot and should not mean that you're waiting for all things to be aligned and perfect, or even near perfect. You and I both know that only leaves you waiting for a bus that will never come.

Again, there are three key facts of life that you have to accept if you want to be a happy person:

• I can control my happiness (or lack thereof).
• There will always, always, always be "bad things" in my life. This has always been, is now, and always will be. There is no changing this. "Bad things" will happen. I cannot alter this essential tenet of human existence.
• I must choose to be happy anyway.

I don't know how else to say any of that. I don't know how to couch it in a way that doesn't require you to make the mental and emotional effort every day. It's just what you have to do. Suck it way up, buttercup, cuz that's how this whole thing has played out since the dawn of human existence.

God sets the rules, and He always gives you a choice.

This effort does not come naturally to me, by the way, yet lately I've been making it. And I'm genuinely a happier person. I feel less tired, less bogged down by my daily obligations, less overwhelmed by the challenges of moment-to-moment existence.

I'm still learning, but already I see a world of difference in myself. All because of a simple daily choice.

I felt the need to share this with you because, if you're like a lot of people I know, this realization (simple to understand, more difficult to execute) can be life changing.

Happiness isn't a confluence of fortunate external circumstances. Much like love, it's a personal choice to be happy. A choice that must be consciously made each and every day.

So make it.