Helping your spouse through the death of a parent

My father-in-law Tom passed away a month ago, and as you might imagine, his three kids have had a rough go of it.

My wife has reacted exactly how you would expect my wife to react if you know her: She was very emotional upon hearing the news at the hospital, but while she has inevitably been teary-eyed several times since, for the most part she has kept it together.

Terry is not a crier. It takes a lot for her to cry, but that doesn't mean she is unfeeling. She loves intensely.

Having been married to her for 31 years, and having known her for nearly 38, I know there is very often more going on underneath the surface than others might realize. That's why I've tried my best to support her through this rough patch, the likes of which most of us have to endure at one point or another in our lives.

When my own dad died in 1999, Terry was wonderful. I don't think I ever told her this, but she made the whole experience much, much easier by doing the small stuff that helps others grieve.

Here are three things I learned from her and from others who have had to help their spouses deal with the death of a parent. If/when you find yourself in the same situation, maybe these suggestions will be useful:

Your primary job is to listen
You can offer words of comfort, of course, but you're mainly there to lend a sympathetic ear and a supportive shoulder. Many of us – Terry included – need to talk our way through the grieving process. Even when we're not sure what to do or how to deal with a particular emotion, we're generally not looking to you for a solution. We'll get there on our own. What we need mostly is for you to listen as we talk about what we're feeling and share our memories of Mom or Dad. (SIDE NOTE: Your spouse may tell you the same story or anecdote several times without realizing it. That's OK. Let them repeat themselves. Just keep listening.)

Whatever your spouse needs, you're available
This is easy in the hours after a parent passes away and even for the first week afterward. It's such an emotional time that you'll do anything for your significant other on the strength of nothing more than love and adrenaline. It's the weeks and months after that, when you may naturally be trying to get back to something resembling your "normal" life, that your partner will still need your support. Whatever it is, from running an errand to hauling stuff out of your in-laws' now-vacant home, you need to do it. You may have other real-life responsibilities to attend to, but your spouse takes priority. Whatever they want or need, do it.

Give them (and yourself) a little grace
No one grieves "perfectly," just as no one is perfect at being the supportive partner of a grieving person. You need to know that you'll probably make mistakes, and that's just fine. You also need to remind your husband/wife there's no set process for grieving. They should go at their own pace. Just be there. Just listen. In everything you do, be motivated by love. That will be more than enough.