Oh man, did I bomb the Wheel of Fortune audition

These are the faces Vanna and Pat would likely have made if the producers had let me appear on Wheel of Fortune.

Before we get into this, I think it's important to mention two things:

1. Yes, as you'll see in a moment, my journey through the Wheel of Fortune audition process ended badly. But for the 6,738th time in the history of this blog, I feel compelled to remind you that I did appear on both Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and The Price Is Right, and I did OK on those shows. It's not like I'm completely incompetent in these matters.
   
   
2. In my defense, I had no idea I'm simply no good at playing Wheel of Fortune. Not until I actually tried it did I realize I have zero aptitude for the game.

OK, so what happened?

Well, it all started a couple of months ago when, on a whim, I decided to apply to become a Wheel of Fortune contestant. This involved filling out a simple online form and submitting a one-minute video of myself talking about my life and why I would be a good fit for the show.

That was the easy part. I'm good at that kind of stuff, and less than two weeks later, a contestant coordinator called me for a phone interview. We talked for 10 minutes, and I apparently did well enough to advance to the third round of the process.

I found this out when I received an email on a Thursday afternoon saying they wanted me to do an online audition the next day. Yikes! The email encouraged practicing before the audition, so I downloaded the Wheel of Fortune app and played several dozen games.

I also watched reruns of the show and played along with some of the Wheel Toss-Up Round videos that are all over YouTube.

I did start to vaguely worry when I was rarely able to guess the Toss-Up answers before the contestants in the videos, but at that point I still figured I was probably as good as anyone else at the game.

The next day I logged on via Zoom and discovered I would be auditioning with two delightful young women also seeking to become contestants. They were both very likeable. More important, it soon became apparent they were also much better at Wheel of Fortune than me.

The first thing we did was play some Toss-Up, in which letters in a puzzle are revealed one at a time until someone buzzes in with the answer. In this case, we just had to say "Buzz!" to indicate we were ready to respond.

We played, I think, eight Toss-Up puzzles. Know how many I answered? Zero. I didn't get even one of them. The two young women answered all eight between them.

It then slowly began dawning on me that I was either too old and slow to complete with them, or else I simply don't have an eye for word puzzles like I thought I did,.

It was probably a little of both.

Anyway, we then spent a couple of minutes introducing ourselves and being asked questions by Shannon, the producer running the online audition. As I said, I'm pretty good at this and showed well there.

Then we were given some one-on-one time with Shannon during which we were individually shown four screens, each displaying four Wheel of Fortune puzzles (so 16 puzzles total). Certain letters were already revealed in each puzzle, but unlike the Toss-Ups, that was all we got. No other letters would be turned over.

We had 90 seconds to try and solve each screen full of four puzzles. When the 90 seconds were up, you automatically moved on to the next screen no matter how well (or poorly) you did.

I did not do especially well. I think I got three puzzles right on one of the screens, but I scored a big fat zero on another and got maybe one or two on the others.

I just couldn't figure it out. I simply can't "see" the answers the way others can when they look at partially solved Wheel of Fortune puzzles. I tried talking and sounding them out, but for the most part, I failed.

And that was the end of the audition. We were told the producers would get in touch with us if they were interested in having us come out to Los Angeles (at our own expense) to appear as contestants on the show.

Shannon didn't officially say I had failed, but...it was obvious I didn't have the skills for the game. I can talk well and be personable and energetic on camera, but it doesn't mean anything if you can't actually, you know, solve the puzzles. Which I largely cannot.

I have just enough game show experience to know the results of my audition were a gracious "thanks but no thanks."

I actually don't feel too bad about the whole attempt. For one thing, it's not like this was my one and only shot at being on a nationally televised game show. This was going to be, at best, the icing on the cake after Millionaire and Price Is Right.

Also, no amount of prep was going to make me better at playing Wheel of Fortune. I simply don't have the right brain chemistry for it. And that's OK.

Really, it's OK. That's what I keep telling myself.

Because I was on two other game shows before. And I won cash and prizes. A good amount of cash and some nice prizes.

I don't need your stupid little game, Pat Sajak. You and Vanna can go ahead and enjoy having my 21-year-old audition opponents on your show.

I, in the meantime, will take solace in the fact that one time Bob Barker shook my hand and complimented me on my custom Price Is Right t-shirt.

So there.